


sea, surf, sand

by adularescence



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parenting, Canon Compliant, Gen, Growing Up, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Platonic Relationships, Rated T for swearing, did i maybe sorta project my oldest daughter struggles onto lea?, even more metaphors about the sea, half-baked sandcastle metaphors, jay makes a cameo because I'm trying to become an engene, yes - Freeform, yes i did
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:23:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29502663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adularescence/pseuds/adularescence
Summary: when kai is five, his father leaves home, leaves their family, for the other side of the world.for dreams, for life, to see the world,he tells them. but all kai feels is disappointed, because for all that he loves their home in hawaii, he had wanted to go too.kai is twenty one years old when he finds a light at the end of the journey.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Choi Soobin & Choi Yeonjun & Huening Kai & Kang Taehyun, Huening Kai & Everyone
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	1. ocean waves

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning, this fic deals explicitly with the consequences of having a generally-not-there parent. If that's going to upset you, then please don't read. Your well being comes first! 
> 
> With that out of the way, enjoy!

when kai had turned four, his father had taken their whole family down to the little beach five minutes from their house. most of the beaches in hawaii are packed with tourists year round, but not this one. only the local neighborhood knew about it, and so it is solely theirs for the entirety of the day, save for the older couple on their evening stroll. 

the sand is soft yet course between his toes, and kai pulls the flimsy flip-flops off his feet to revel in the feeling. the air is still heavy and warm, even though the seasons should have already started to shift. it’s always summer here. 

perhaps the most exciting part of it all, to a young kai, is when his father had finally taken him out on the surfboard. the taste of salt on his tongue, the light breeze in his hair, and the gentle lapping of the waves against his skin had been well worth the wait. and the sheer simplicity of being in the middle of absolutely nowhere, with the shoreline but a mere speck in the distance, had sent free millions of tiny little butterflies in his stomach. it had felt like adventure at the time, just him and his father and the big wide world. 

his father had also taken lea out as well, because she’s a year older than kai and had insisted that gave her the right to go too. but nevermind that. kai had still felt like some kind of courageous young sailor about to take his first voyage into the great unknown. and really, just about nothing could bring him down from that kind of high. 

at the end of the day, they had packed up the umbrella and the towels and the toys and made their way back home. the porch light flickers on as his mother steps up to unlock the door, casting a warm yellow glow over everything within the vicinity, and he yawns tiredly as he’s ushered inside. he’s tucked into bed after a quick bath, and with that, the day comes to a close. kai is officially four years old, and the sea has not yet cast its spell. for now, all is calm. his father is still a constant.

* * *

when kai is five, his father leaves home, leaves their family, for the other side of the world. _for dreams, for life, to see the world,_ he tells them. but all kai feels is disappointed, because for all that he loves their home in hawaii, he had wanted to go too. 

his father laughs goodnaturedly at that, in the way that all adults do when a child says something ridiculous. kai pouts, stomps his foot, complains a little more. his father does not give in. 

“next time,” he says, ruffling kai’s hair, “when you’re older. take care of your mom and sisters for me, okay?” 

kai nods, swears he will, cross his heart and hope to die. it’s a weighty task, but he’s got it covered. peace of cake. easy-peasy lemon-squeezy. 

his father smiles, hugs him and lea and bahiyyih tight, kisses his mother goodbye, rolls his luggage out the door. the little shell-and-seaglass windchime outside rings softly as he steps past the porch and enters the waiting taxi. he waves through the window, blowing one last kiss, and then he’s gone. they wait for a little while, watching the car disappear down the street, growing smaller and smaller and smaller in the distance. his mother moves away eventually, with an almost unnoticeable hesitance, but kai stays waiting next to his sisters. 

he misses his father already.

* * *

his father calls regularly at first, leaving him and his sisters scrambling for the landline every time it rings. sometimes kai gets it first, sometimes lea, but bahiyyih almost never does. she sits next to the phone for almost two hours straight, hoping to beat out her older siblings, before deciding it’s not worth her time. and so, the fight remains between kai and lea. 

“dad!” lea yells into the phone a few months later. her face is stretched into a grin, a few teeth missing here and there. she had lost her fourth one just the day before. “i’m almost seven!” 

“yeah!” kai repeats, practically spitting into the microphone with how loud he is. “she’s almost seven!” 

bahiyyih giggles, clinging onto the hem of lea’s shirt and nodding along. their mother sighs from the next room over, exasperated but fond. she had given up on controlling their volume two weeks in. 

“seven already?” their father asks. he sounds grainy and electronic through the phone, but there’s no hiding the wonder and excitement in his voice. “you’re practically a grown-up now, lea!” 

lea agrees, proudly bragging about how _mom said there’s only five days and six hours left,_ and _i’m going to ride my bike without training wheels too!_ bahiyyih listens intently, and kai desperately wishes that he could be seven too. 

“i started second grade today,” kai tells him almost a year later. his father’s calls have begun to grow more sporadic recently, only about two or three times a month. “my teacher is ms. lu and she’s really nice!” 

“that’s great kai!” his father says. there’s a brief moment of rustling, maybe static. kai walks to the other side of the house, waiting for it to clear. “i’m glad you like your teacher.” 

kai hums, keeps talking. it feels almost weird to talk to his father sometimes, like he can never quite figure out what to say. sometimes he makes lists in the gaps between calls, about school and video games and the beach and his sisters and his mother. he’s got a myriad of things to talk about, but none of it ever seems quite right. 

as the years pass, the calls dwindle further. it’s almost random at this point. by the time kai is nine, they’re lucky if they get one two months in a row. lea doesn’t run for the phone anymore, unless their mother asks her to. and despite the strange, hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach, kai still does, bahiyyih not far behind. 

four years have passed since his father left home, and yet in all that time, not once has he returned home.

* * *

when kai is ten years old, his mother finally lets lea take him and bahiyyih down to the beach alone. and so their days that summer are spent digging their toes into the warm sand, collecting handfuls of oddly-shaped shells, and repeatedly running from waves. the heat is sweltering and heavy, but they never wade past their knees. their mother had been very clear about absolutely no swimming, and lea had never been one for breaking their mother’s rules. 

“i bet dad would let us swim,” kai mumbles, kicking at the slowly receding surf. 

lea scoffs. “yeah well, he’s not here.” 

kai blinks, slightly startled by the bitterness in her voice. “i’m not an idiot,” he says, “i know that.”

lea studies him for a moment, and kai doesn’t quite know what to make of the look on her face. is she sad? angry? he can’t tell. sometimes, lea is painfully difficult to read. 

she sighs, back to watching bahiyyih wash the sand off a few pieces of seaglass. “whatever. it doesn’t really matter anyways.” 

kai nods, deciding to brush it off. whatever mess of thoughts makes up lea’s head is not for him to figure out. he’d much rather not meddle with that, thank you very much. 

two weeks later, on yet another day at the beach, kai finds himself making a sandcastle. he’s made millions of them before, so many he can’t even keep track of how many he’s made this summer alone, but this is by far the largest one he’s ever made. something about the sand is just right today. his incredible feat had even inspired lea and bahiyyih to make their own, although kai’s still reigns supreme, in his humble opinion. 

well, that is until bahiyyih trips on her way back from collecting decorative shells, completely smashing the past hour’s worth of his work. 

“my sandcastle!” he cries, desperately trying to salvage what’s left of it. bahiyyih hurries to stand, collecting her dropped shells and attempting to reshape the squashed lumps of sand. despite her best efforts, there’s not much that can be done to save it. 

“i’m sorry kai,” she apologises, looking rather guilty. she glances at her own, rather deformed sandcastle, hesitating. “do you want mine?” 

kai sighs, upset. “mine was special,” he whines. he had worked hard on it. 

bahiyyih fumbles, unsure of what to do. kai’s not really mad at her, and even if he was he wouldn’t show it. he’s older afterall, so he has to be the mature one. that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to mourn his fallen sandcastle though. 

lea groans, fed up. “just make a new one, kai,” she tells him, “or i swear i’m gonna slap you.”

kai glares at her. “i’ll tell on you,” he threatens.

“mom won’t care.”

“then i’ll tell dad.” 

lea laughs sharply. “and what’s he gonna do? come back?” her tone is sour, biting. “he can just stay away for all i care. ‘s not like it matters to me.” 

kai pauses, hesitating. he doesn’t remember lea ever being this volatile, and he’d rather not set her off further. it doesn’t exactly help that he has absolutely no idea what has made her this angry in the first place, because it’s definitely not the sandcastle. he’s been in enough petty fights with her and bahiyyih to know that much. 

“you don’t-” he starts, watching lea carefully. “you don’t want him to come back?”

lea pauses too, struggling to explain. “it’s not that, it’s just- mom said- well-” she stops, sighs. bahiyyih shifts uncomfortably between them. “i don’t know. sorry. listen, i’ll help you remake your sandcastle, okay? bahiyyih, go get some water.” 

bahiyyih practically jumps, scrambling for a bucket before bolting towards the water. lea grabs a bucket too, shovels damp sand in, pats it down. kai grabs a shovel, following her lead after a moment. it’s uncharacteristically silent as they work, with only the sound of the wind, waves, and birds to fill in the gaps. kai forces himself to stop glancing at lea. bahiyyih still looks skittish. they work through it anyways, and by the time the sun sets, they have a pretty good looking sandcastle. 

it doesn’t look anything like what the original had, but kai doesn’t dare complain. it’s not the same, but it’ll do. yes, he tells himself, it will have to do.

* * *

when kai is twelve, lea brings home her first boyfriend. he only stays for dinner, yet kai hates him so much that he can’t even remember the guy’s name. he’s civil of course, for lea’s sake. he still allows himself the occasional passive-aggressive comment or maneuver, simply for his own sanity. 

“i don’t like him,” he tells her later that night. then, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“because i knew you’d say that,” she says, not looking up from wiping away her eyeliner. she had done it perfectly, just for tonight. kai would know. he lives with three girls. 

“no you didn’t,” he retorts, petty as ever. 

she stares at him, raising an eyebrow. kai shuts up. she goes back to her makeup. 

“it’s just,” he starts, digging his toe into the carpet, “what if he’s not nice?” 

“then i’ll figure it out.” she tosses the wipe in the trash, finally looking up at him. she smiles. “it’ll be okay, kai. i’m a big girl.” 

kai nods slowly. he means to move away, leave it at that, but he can’t quite bring his feet to move. lea is only a year older than him which, as he’s beginning to realize, isn’t that much. there’s no way she knows any more than he does. he wonders, distantly, how much maturity she’s been faking over the years. 

his hovering doesn’t go unnoticed. 

“you don’t have to,” she waves her hand around in some kind of arbitrary motion, “you know.” 

he quints, confused. “what?”

“you know,” she says, drums her fingers against the counter, lowers her voice, “like, take dad’s place?” 

“oh.” is that what he’s been doing? trying to be his father? 

lea takes his silence as her cue to continue, eyes flicking down to her hands. “and, i’m sorry i complain to you so much. it’s not your fault.” 

“it’s not your fault either,” he says, voice just as soft. it’s not any of their faults, not his or lea’s or bahiyyih’s or their mother’s, and yet here they are dealing with the consequences. it hardly seems fair. 

lea nods, still fiddling with her fingers. she looks about two seconds away from crying, so kai leaves her be. he closes the door to his room, climbs into bed, turns out the light. he hears her door click closed a few minutes later. 

sleep does not come. instead he thinks, through the quiet stillness of the night.

* * *

at thirteen, kai is left with the biggest decision of his life: leave home, leave his family, to pursue his dream as a musician and become a trainee, or stay, stay and not leave, stay and not abandon everything he has here in hawaii. 

it feels like life or death. he is absolutely terrified of becoming like his father. sometimes it feels like it shouldn’t even be a choice, because _of course_ he should choose life, _of course_ he should stay. he can’t hurt his family just because he had dared to be selfish enough to dream. _it shouldn’t even be a choice._

in the end he does leave, guild plaguing him the whole way to korea. he thinks about how close he had been to staying. he wonders what his father would say. 

the first month is grueling, and kai seriously considers giving up. it’s not too late, he tells himself, there’s still time to quit while he’s ahead. he’ll have to do a lot of catch-up work for school, but that’s fine. he’d be back on track in no time. 

it’s soobin, kind-of-dorky yet extremely lovable older trainee, that convinces him to stay. 

the months pass, and kai eventually grows into his new life. he learns the best massages, learns how to fit in sleep, learns where to cut corners. it’s difficult and he struggles and sometimes it’s not fun, but he’s doing it, by god he’s _doing it._ it’s exhilarating. 

there’s a few other trainees from overseas too, which makes him feel marginally better. he’s not alone in speaking english, and he’s not alone in his homesickness. he’s not the only one who’s left home behind. he, inevitably, befriends a few of them. 

he calls his family religiously through it all, at least once every couple of days, because despite the overwhelming happiness, there’s still a small part of him that’s afraid. 

he hopes he won’t regret this.

* * *

a little over a year into being a trainee, and he’s set to debut. 

soobin, thankfully, is a part of the group. he’s practically been a lifeline for the past year, and kai’s not sure he could handle not getting to debut with him. 

there’s three others as well, all of whom kai is at least somewhat familiar with. yeonjun is easily the most intimidating, with his entire month straight of top rankings. he seems friendly enough though, if not a little shy, so kai’s pretty sure they’ll get along just fine. beomgyu and taehyun are both his schoolmates, although he doesn’t share classes with them. he’s definitely talked to the both of them more than he has to yeonjun though. it’s not a bad group really, and kai finds himself thinking they’re off to a good start.

the training intensifies tenfold, taking over every remailing hour of the day and then some. there’s no time for thinking, only doing, and so kai does just that. he dances and he sings and he practices his korean and he fits in his calls home and he does not think about his father. he makes it work, and somehow, it’s easier to get through than before. 

the day they debut is filled with nerves, but they make it. they make it, and it feels like he’s on top of the world. perhaps he really is. 

one of his trainee friends, jay, gives him a hoodie as a celebration gift. it’s red and covered in a chic black pattern. kai accepts it, almost a bit guiltily, but jay is nothing but congratulatory. kai thanks him, wishes him good luck, and jay leaves with a promise to keep in touch. 

that night, yeonjun pops open a bottle of apple cider, because three of them aren’t old enough to drink and they’re not allowed to have alcohol in the dorms anyways. yeonjun and soobin still attempt to get drunk off of it, which doesn’t really work but is funny to watch. kai doesn’t know what it feels like to be drunk, but if he did then he supposes he would do the same. 

kai feels himself drifting off about an hour into their makeshift party. beomgyu had already fallen asleep at some point, face squished against their tiny dining table. the conversation is but a soft murmur now, like the waves against the shore, a gentle lullaby. the air is vaguely sweet from the apple cider. it’s faint but noticeable, and kai is distantly reminded of the air in hawaii. it’s a bit odd, but as kai finally drifts into sleep, he’s left with the thought that strangely enough, it feels like home here too.

* * *

it’s later that very same week that kai calls his father for the first time in years. he does not know why, only that he is maybe a little high from the adrenalin and that the contact is still sitting in his phone. 

his thumb hovers over the screen for a moment, hesitating. maybe it’s better if he doesn’t, he thinks, better if he doesn’t go looking for trouble. there is no way this can possibly end well. he knows that, in his brain, in his heart, in his gut. 

he clicks the button anyways. 

the phone rings. he presses it against his ear, biting his nails and with a racing heart. will his mother be okay with this? what about lea and bahiyyih? he hasn’t even planned out what to say yet, god what is he even _supposed_ to say? he should know, but somehow he doesn't have the slightest idea. 

the corner of his nail starts to bleed from his harsh chewing. he presses the thumb of his pad against it, holding back the blood and numbing the sting. 

he’s sweating, but he doesn’t dare move the phone from his ear to take off his hoodie. even opening the window seems like a monstrumental task. what if is father picks up while he’s doing it, and then he’s too distracted to think and says something stupid? no, he won’t risk it, not over something this important. so he sits, breathing hard and unmoving. he shouldn’t have jumped into this so fast, he thinks, he should have _prepared._

the ringing stops. the robotic voice of a woman prompts him to leave a voicemail. 

he hangs up before it finishes, throws his phone across the room. he doesn’t care if it breaks, or if taehyun finds it later and asks. he doesn’t care. 

he doesn’t know why he worried.

* * *

one day, kai wakes up to blue skies and the faint scent of plum blossoms floating through the cracked window. the air outside is warm, but not overbearingly so, just enough to be slightly uncomfortable. he kicks off the blankets, throws on a fresh pair of clothes, and makes his way into the kitchen. he’s running a bit late today, as he always is, but the rest of his bandmates aren’t doing much better so it’s not like it really matters. ten minutes out of their four hours of scheduled practice isn’t much in the long run. they’ll still have plenty of time, and then some. 

it’s on this day that kai finally, finally realizes that from the moment his father left, he was never going to come back. 

it’s kind of ironic. here he is, moping around on a perfectly beautiful spring day. things have been going well for him lately, with his school and his job and his mother and his sisters, and yet he is still somehow stuck on something so utterly _meaningless._ he should not care, he thinks, shouldn’t give one flying fuck about whatever his father has been up to for the last decade or so. and yet, against all odds, he does care, more than he’s willing to admit.

his father had always been something of a wanderer, like a sailor of sorts. and sometimes the draw of the ocean, of adventure and freedom, is greater than the draw of family. his father is a bit like that, kai thinks, perpetually lost in a sea of dreams too big for himself, for any of them. when kai was younger he had loved that about him; he too had yearned for that natural sense of excitement that always seemed to surround the man. but kai is older now, almost seventeen years old, and more than anything else, he wishes his father had come home all those years ago. 

maybe then, he wouldn’t still be waiting.


	2. the lighthouse

it’s four years later that he finds his father. it is, by all accounts, a complete accident. 

the streets of paris are beautiful as always, even in the middle of january. in the summer it is always busy, a cacophony of people and parks and tiny little storefronts squished together in rows. it’s a breathtaking city, with its distinct sense of elegance and leisure. and although kai had loved it in the warmer months, he thinks that it’s just as striking in the winter ones too, if not more so. it’s brighter, less crowded, more homey. he would have never known, if not for their tour. 

it’s well into the night now, which means it’s even colder than in the day. yeonjun had always been one for exploring though, and kai just so happened to be the poor, unfortunate soul chosen to be his travel buddy. so here he is, tugging his padded coat a little tighter around him, nestling his hands just a little deeper in his pockets. there’s a light dusting of snow on the ground leaving his sneakers damp and freezing. he does his best to keep them dry, but that’s easier said than done when there’s more coming down from the sky. 

yeonjun pulls him down the street, in and out of shops, past a bistro, through a park. kai trails behind easily, a heavy weight in his bones. the late hustle and bustle is calming, strangely lethargic. 

there’s a small intersection up ahead, complete with a restaurant, coffee shop, and a store filled with small trinkets. fairy lights have been carefully hung on each building, twinkling delicately in the night. on one corner is an extremely out of place ice cream stall, which kai points out in amusement. on another corner a stand-up microphone has been set up. behind it a man strums a guitar and sings what yeonjun tells him is a love song. _it’s so romantic,_ yeonjun sighs, dreamy eyed. kai, in his current hatred of the cold, does not understand yeonjun’s flair for the dramatic. 

it’s as they’re passing by that something catches his eye. a small crowd has gathered around the performer, filled with nameless and unmemorable faces. except for one. kai’s eyes zero in on the one recognizable face the second he spots him. the man is older than he remembered, gray speckling his hair and skin beginning to wrinkle. even his clothes, once bright and colorful, are duller now, heavier. perhaps the biggest change though, is the woman beside him. kai doesn't register much about her, doesn’t care to remember her. all he knows is that she is standing there, holding his man’s hand and leaning close, to close, way to close into his side. the man smiles, wraps an arm around her. kai feels his gut twist. the restaurant’s door chime rings from somewhere behind them. he stands in the middle of the street, watching, trying not to throw up. he hadn’t thought he’d see his father again, not here of all places, not now. 

something overtakes him then, anger, betrayal, hurt. it wraps around him, blocks out every other thought in his head, and suddenly he’s moving, dragging yeonjun behind him. each step brings him closer, to the crowd, to the woman, to his father. yeonjun pulls back, confused, but kai does not slow down. he does not know what he’s going to do, but he’s going to do something, anything. how long has he waited for this moment? years, maybe? his entire life? it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t matter. his father is right there. he’ll finally make things right. 

“kai!” yeonjun hisses, spinning him around and gripping his shoulders. “what are you doing?” 

kai blinks. right, he thinks, yeonjun doesn’t know. he should explain, it’s only fair. he opens his mouth to speak, but the words stay logged in his throat. 

“my dad,” he starts, lets his voice trail off. he gestures to the crowd vaguely, hoping it’s enough for yeonjun to understand. he doesn’t know what to say. 

yeonjun glances at the crowd for a moment, before turning back to kai. “alright,” he says, letting his hands slip back down to his sides. “what are you going to do?”

yeonjun’s understanding comes as a bit of a shock. kai had never told any of his bandmates about his father, but perhaps his silence on the matter had been enough to clue them in. they’re more perceptive than he gives them credit for. or he’s just painfully obvious and never realized. he prefers the former. 

“i don’t know,” he admits, after a moment. “i just- i have to do something, you know?” 

yeonjun nods, studies him carefully. his flit around the area, over stalls and food and people. “let’s get ice cream.” 

“what?”

“trust me,” he says, already pulling kai across the street. “ice cream always helps.”

kai stumbles after him, completely lost. he hadn’t thought that yeonjun, of all people, would be so _passive_ about this. 

the ice cream stand is not very popular, no surprise there. it has a decent selection of flavors though, including mint chip. he’s about to order some, but before he can, yeonjun is already asking for two scoops of coconut ice cream. kai watches, dumbfounded, as he pays, thanks the old man, and drags kai away. 

“i hate coconut,” kai says. he was absolutely sure yeonjun knew that. 

“i know,” he says. “pull your mask up. we don’t want to be caught.” 

“doing what?” 

“you’ll see.” 

so kai follows him all the way back across the street. he still doesn’t know what the point of all this is, but yeonjun seems confident enough. he takes a small taste of the ice cream, decides that yes, coconut is still a terrible flavor. 

yeonjun stops a few feet away from the crowd, pulling them behind a food stall. he glances around, pulls his own mask up a little higher. 

“okay,” he says, pointing at kai’s father. “now throw it.” 

kai splutters. “are you crazy? what if someone sees us?” 

yeonjun rolls his eyes, shoves the second cone into kai’s hands. “i like to live life on the edge, and i think you should too.” he gestures back towards the crowd, nudges kai forward. “i mean, it’s not like he doesn’t deserve it.” 

and well, he can’t really argue with that. so he weighs the first cone carefully, peeks around the stall, takes aim. yeonjun is practically vibrating behind him. kai whips his arm back and throws. the cone flies through the air, tracing a graceful arc over the crowd, and landing smack-dab in the middle of his father’s face. his father yelps at the cold, attempting to wipe it off, and the woman jumps, surprised. kai struggles to muffle his laugh, feeling giddy beyond belief. 

“throw the next one,” yeonjun whispers, barely containing his own excitement. 

and so kai does. it lands on the woman’s shoulder this time, splattering across both her and kai’s father. he watches them for a moment, completely entertained as they search for the culprit. 

and then yeonjun’s pulling him away, telling him to _run, run, run faster._ kai doesn’t bother holding back his laugh this time, and neither does yeonjun. the crowd shifts around them, parting to let them through as they sprint through the streets. the lights seem brighter than before, so vivid they’re almost blinding, and kai thinks that this, the little feeling bubbling up in his chest, feels an awful lot like freedom.

* * *

yeonjun barges into his hotel room the next day. 

“we need a plan,” he insists, pulling out a notepad. “see, i’ve got a list.” 

kai pushes himself up, rubs the sleep out of his eyes. yeonjun babbles on about _slashing tires, egging houses, keying cars,_ but all kai knows is that it is way too early to be awake. 

“what is this even for?” he asks, still disoriented from sleep. 

yeonjun taps a pen against his notepad, like it’s somehow obvious. “revenge, kai. you didn’t really think we’d stop at ice cream, did you?” 

“what about ice cream?” 

yeonjun nearly jumps out of skin, whirling around to find taehyun leaning against the doorway. kai focuses on waking up. 

“nothing,” yeonjun says. he not-so-subtly hides the notepad behind his back, which taehyun definitely notices. “i just wanted to get ice cream today.” 

taehyun rolls his eyes, closing the door behind him. “nice try, but i heard you. i want in.” 

yeonjun accepts him begrudgingly, and so that’s how they end up on kai’s bed, discussing the best plan of action. kai does not participate much, but taehyun and yeonjun are oddly into it. it feels like something out of a fever dream. 

their discussion ends when taehyun brings up the point that none of them even know where kai’s father is. they contemplate this for a moment, before deciding that today’s task is actually finding the man, _surveillance,_ as yeonjun puts it. 

they get up to leave, and kai quickly throws on the first set of clothes he can find. taehyun turns the door handle, swings it open to start the day. 

beomgyu and soobin tumble in, falling one on top of the other. it’s almost comical. 

“hi,” says soobin. 

“want help?” says beomgyu. 

yeonjun sighs, exasperated. they tag along anyways. 

their search does not yield results, unfortunately. it’s not like kai didn’t see it coming though, because paris is a huge city. there is absolutely no way they were going to find a single person that easily. he doesn’t even know if his father lives here. he could have just been visiting and has already left by now. point in case, there isn’t really much to go off of. 

they settle down in a cafe around late afternoon to get some food and warm up a bit. it’s small and cozy, a nice change of pace from the vastness of the rest of the city. they crowd together, trying to fit all five of them around one table. kai orders a pastry and a cup of tea. 

the little bell above the door chimes, signaling a new arrival. kai looks up, more out of habit than curiosity. except it’s not the complete stranger he was expecting. as fate would have it, it’s his father. kai is seriously starting to wonder if this is all just one big coincidence. 

and then he panics, because the cafe is small, very very small, and kai doesn't have any plans to directly confront his father. he pulls his mask back up, hoping to slip by under the radar. 

yeonjun, who’s sitting across from him, is the first to notice his discomfort. he raises an eyebrow, and kai nods his head discreetly in the direction of his father. thankfully, he gets the message. 

“don’t worry guys,” soobin tells them, after they’ve all pulled up their masks. he picks up his unfinished cake and cup of coffee. “i got this.” 

yeonjun pulls them towards the counter, hurrying to pay for their food as soobin saunters off towards his father. kai watches, horrified, as he fakes an over-exaggerated trip, spilling coffee and cake all over the man. 

kai almost feels bad for the number of times he’s been assaulted with food. almost.

“i am so sorry!” soobin apologies, and kai physically cringes at how fake it sounds. never, in a million years, did he think soobin had it in him. 

yeonjun finally finishes paying, and beomgyu has to practically drag kai out of the cafe before he gets recognized. kai’s eyes remained glued on soobin, who has begun to haphazardly wipe cake away from his father’s clothes. all he really ends up doing is smearing it around more, although kai’s pretty sure that was intentional. 

soobin emerges a few minutes later, looking terribly proud of himself. somehow taehyun exits last, which no one dares to question. they hurry through the city, not stopping until they’re back in kai’s hotel room. kai flops on the bed, exhausted. 

“well, that was exciting,” beomgyu says, still sounding a little breathless. “i don’t really know what i was expecting though.” 

taehyun rolls over, digging around in his bag. “good news,” he says, pulling something out to show them. “i got his phone. did you know he doesn’t even use a passcode? what an idiot.” 

the phone dings with a text, and taehyun drops it, startled. it hits the floor loudly, face down. when beomgyu picks it up, the screen has a brand new crack spanning out from just off-center. no one comments. 

beomgyu opens the text. “who the fuck is veronica?” 

kai shrugs. “probably his girlfriend, or something.” 

beomgyu hums thoughtfully, fingers flying across the screen. a moment later he turns it towards them, grin stretching across his face. 

_today 3:46 pm_

_veronica:_

_dinner tonight?_

_< 3_

_you:_

_sure thing baby girl ;)_

_c u 2nite, ahaha_

_lolz_

_its bro night girl_

_no chicks allowed ahaha_

_get pranked lmfao_

yeonjun’s eyes just about bug out of his head. kai has a hard time reading it himself. 

the phone rings then, and none of them have to look to know who’s calling. beomgyu fumbles to reject it, dropping the phone a second time before he’s successful. 

veronica is, unfortunately, a persistent woman. the second time she calls, they block her. 

“well,” says taehyun, after a moment of silence, “now we have to get rid of it.” 

they stumble out of the room, rushing to the hotel’s lost-and-found bin. kai drops it in, offering a half-assed story about finding it outside to the clerk, before hurrying back up to his room. 

kai has no idea how he let yeonjun talk him into this.

* * *

“kai,” lea says, from the other side of the phone, “i saw the video. wanna explain what’s going on?” 

“uh,” says kai, stupidly. “what video?” 

“in the cafe. with soobin. yesterday.” 

“ah,” he says. “right. that one.”

leah sighs. she doesn’t exactly sound pleased, but kai still hopes. “so?” 

“revenge?” kai tries. there’s no way he’s pulling himself out of this one. 

she sighs, again. “you’re getting shitty-ex revenge on our dad?” she asks. “really, kai?”

“don’t tell mom?” 

lea groans, exasperated. “you know,” she says, “you’re more trouble than you’re worth. but fine. just don’t get caught.” 

“i won’t,” he promises. 

“fuck him up, kai!” he hears bahiyyih yell from somewhere on the other side. she runs away, laughter fading into the background. 

he grins. god, his sisters are such _enablers._ it’s no wonder he gets into trouble.

* * *

on their fourth and final day in paris, they have their concert. it feels almost out of place, what with all the running around they’ve been doing over the past few days. he had gotten so caught up in it all that he almost forgot he was famous, for a moment. 

stepping onto the stage is different this time around. he’s done this a million times by now, so many times that it’s second nature. but this is also the first time in years that he’s felt this light. it’s nice, like he can finally breathe. 

“so,” yeonjun starts, looking expectantly at kai. they’ve gathered in his hotel room one last time for a celebratory dinner. “we’ve got half a day tomorrow. what’s the plan?” 

kai, pauses, thinks. he doesn’t really know, if he’s being honest, can’t really find it in himself to be angry anymore. it’s strange, because he’s just about all of his life doing just that. it’s nice to not be tied down, to finally feel free. 

“actually,” he says, resting his chopsticks on his plate, “i was thinking we could go sightseeing. just, enjoy our last day, you know?” 

taehyun glances at him, hesitating. “are you sure?” 

yes, kai thinks, yes yes yes. he doesn’t think he’s ever been this sure of something in his life, it just feels so incredibly right. it’s a weird feeling, but a good one, like the shore is finally in sight, like he’ll be on land soon, like the voyage is finally coming to a close. how nice would that be, to finally see the end? very nice, he thinks, so nice he might even cry. 

“thanks,” he whispers, smiling softly. he wonders how he got so lucky to wander into this life, to find these friends. “i think i’m gonna be okay.” 

kai is twenty one years old when he finds a light at the end of the journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this over the course of like, 2? 3? days lol. I have no idea why I keep writing angst, but it just comes naturally. 
> 
> If you made it this far, then thanks for staying till the end! I kind of live off of comments, so if you enjoyed then lmk? It would mean the world to me!! :)


	3. tides

the third time he finds his father is in an airport. 

it’s an accident, again. or maybe it isn’t. life seems to have a funny way of leading him back to his father, whether he wants it or not. 

the way it happens this time is quite different from the last time though. for one thing, he’s alone. none of his group mates are here with him. of course they aren’t. they’re on break, so everyone had gone to visit their families, including kai. it’s just that his family happens to be all the way back in hawaii. 

and that brings him to the second difference. he’s in hawaii, of all places, waiting for his flight back to korea. this is the last place he would expect to see his father. yet there he is, walking off the plane two terminals away from kai’s. kai pulls up his disguise a little higher, watches as his father makes his way into a coffee shop. the last time kai had seen the man, he had thrown ice cream at him. that had been six years ago. 

kai checks his phone. he’s got twenty left before his flight. 

he stuffs his phone in his pocket, grabs his backpack, and follows. _it’s just a peek,_ he tells himself, _nothing more, nothing less._ he’ll take five minutes, and then he’ll go back to his terminal and wait it out like the normal, mature adult he is. 

his father settles down at the counter, waiting for his coffee. kai takes the seat next to him. he’s never been the best with plans anyway. 

kai’s drink comes first, because it’s easier to make tea than it is to make a latte. he cradles it in his hands, enjoying the warmth against his fingers. 

“mint,” his father comments, startling kai. “my son loved that one when he was little.” 

he’s smiling, eyes crinkled and teeth just the slightest bit crooked. kai doesn’t remember much about his father, but there’s an aching familiarity in his smile. he doesn’t know what to think about that, other than the fact that it’s jarring. he wonders, briefly, if his father recognizes him.

“he has good taste,” kai says. the irony does not miss him. and then, because he cannot help the growing sense of morbid curiosity, “you must miss him.”

his father nods, takes a sip of his coffee. kai fiddles with his mask, ignoring his drink. 

“i do.” his father’s eyes are wistful, almost, as they focus on kai. “i don’t think he misses me though.” 

kai forces himself to look away, pushes down the ugly feeling in his chest. he’s not going to dwell on this. his eyes settle back on his hands, still wrapped around his cup. “i see.”

kai checks his phone. ten minutes left. he still has time, but he doesn’t think he wants to be here any longer. he should have just stayed at the terminal from the start. 

“what brings you to hawaii?” 

kai sighs, inwardly, because of course his father just had to ruin his perfect escape. it’s becoming increasingly harder to keep from launching his tea at the man. but kai is twenty seven now, and he’s moved past the point of pranks and petty revenge. it feels hollow, empty. too superficial. he could spend his whole life throwing ice cream, could dedicate every second of his day orchestrating breakups, but at the end of the day, kai will never be able to hurt his father in the way that his father has hurt him. he realizes that now. 

“just visiting,” he forces out, keeping his answer intentionally vague. _he doesn’t deserve to know,_ kai thinks, _doesn’t get to know._ he lost that right the second he stepped out the door. “i should go, my flight is about to leave.” 

he grabs his tea, slings his bag over his shoulder. the chair scrapes against the floor loudly as he stands, but he doesn’t care. the airport is busy. no one pays him any mind. 

“wait!” his father stands too, grabbing kai’s arm and looking strangely panicked. he fumbles for words for a moment, eyes flickering around the room and gesturing aimlessly. it’s only after what feels like forever, that he finally speaks. “kai,” he whispers, voice soft and pleading, “i’m sorry.”

kai pulls his arm from his grip, shoves his free hand in his hoodie pocket. “it’s a little late for that.” 

his father runs a hand through his hair, lets out a nervous breath. kai knows he shouldn’t, but he waits anyway. 

“i know,” he says, voice still quiet and desperate, “and i’m sorry. i want to be better. i promise i will be.” 

kai stares at him, takes in his glassy eyes and creased face and graying hair. if he were still a teenager, he’d be overjoyed. it’s practically a lifelong dream come true. it feels surreal, like an out of body experience. 

kai is not a kid anymore though. he doesn’t want it. 

“that’s nice,” kai tells him, “but i don’t really care.”

and then he turns on his heel and walks straight out the door. his father doesn’t follow, perhaps too caught up in his shock or his thoughts. kai doesn’t look back to check. his terminal is only a short distance away. when he reaches the gate he boards the plane, settles into his seat for the coming flight. 

he’s got places to be, things to do, people to see. there’s no time for wandering souls, for lost sailors, for wayward fathers. 

the tides don’t wait. neither does kai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like this fic deserved a better ending, so I wrote this little piece to finish it off. I feel like the story is much more complete with it, you know?


End file.
